SPLAT, We scrap you up
SPLAT, we scrape you up
In August of 2001 AD, the Welsh affiliation to SPLAT was the last of the Unions to officially join the Al Quadra organization, but the Welsh affiliation had all the potential to grow into a major force within the organization. SPLAT was no longer some fringe radical group out on the cutting edge of legal rights. SPLAT’s mission statement was to organize labor and to help enforce all “health and safety standards at work”, plus enforce the EU regulations, at all places of work, all over the United Europe. SPLAT had become an affiliated Union, with members and Chapels coming from all over the face of the planet. After the first few years of ridicule, which were now firmly behind them, something that all the members and affiliations did not wish to remember, they had become an important link between the man on the work floor and the upper colons of power.
So there was a concern that a Welsh affiliation might cause a certain amount of satire from the press and other stand up comics. A few Internet clowns made up some exploding sheep jokes, but few caught the imagination long enough for them to stick. So after three months the first training program was set up in an old miners union hall. There were plenty of chairs and quite a few people came along to listen to what was being done about the getting a Union going that had not already sold it’s soul to the management for a few more baked beans and a couple of streaky bacon. Bastards.
SPLAT had a clear and open policy of conflict at and in the workplace. It would not put up with dangerous conditions at the work place. It would require new negations for all members and a total redefinition of job description and improved employment conditions for members and not just their families. There would be flying inspections and proper procedure would be followed while handling explosives at all times.
No explosives were to detonate “on” or “even near” any member of SPLAT. In fact no explosions were to occur unless regulated by the united European convention of 2001, which clearly states explosions causing any bodily harm with explosives is completely out of the question.
If all of these demands are not met by management then there will be a general strike, pulling all members from operative duty immediately, until such time as management deems it fit to talk with the voice of respect to its employees.
This was the message of no compromise that roused the crowd; they stood up and banged chairs against floors, hands against tables and boots against the back of table legs. “ Are you with us brothers, are you there on the picket lines, are you ready for the years of fighting, are you there to fight to the last man”
“Aye” came the cry back from the crowd of tormented union souls, “Aye we’ll be there freezing in the winter and fainting in the baking summer sun, Aye we’ll be by you side till the last man falls”. This time we win. This time we’ll show those management Bastards.
“You all remember her don’t you”, a deathly silence fell over the hall. Her. “She brethren, the beast. The crowd turned and looked upon the black suited man in dark glasses and a mince-pie hat. He had the look of the road on him; his eyes had seen way too much night time driving.
“Let me introduce myself to you here tonight, Izzie Elijah Wood, most people called me Jah Wood, I was part of the team that negotiated with Coal Industries management from 1975 to 1982. In fact I was not just part of the team, I was in charge of ideology. I saw HER and management ravage us like helpless sheep before a hungry flock of wolves. I saw her ripe the guts out of the union, and spit it back into our faces; without even flinching, not one perfect curl on her sweet suckled Maidenly head moved out of place. I saw into the eyes of the beast, into the jaws that could swallow the sun whole if she pleased. She has passed in the House of Lords and Ladies but still “She” is there waiting to be turned lose one last time brothers, She is there. Waiting.
“Let me tell you why it is I am here today; I offer you my humble services to serve on your committees to help serve the cause and the tea. I shall do my up most to make Chapter 66 of the Welsh SPLAT Union affiliations the most militant and unforgiving nightmares for Blair, Bush, and Bin Laden that they will have wished they never held the word “crude oil”. The War on terror my friends, my brothers in arms, has just begun. We are the face of this war; we are the people who will put dignity back into the arms of the workingman.
Let us not turn away in shame when we see our reflection in those expensive wide screen televisions, but let us walk proudly past those shops, for the people that work in London, but use our houses for weekend retreats. Brothers and sisters, I see you ladies out there tonight, not just as ladies, ex-virgins, but I see you there, standing side by side with your men, once again ready to fight to the last of the best.
“I would be so proud to be part of the Chapter 66 movement, as Jah Wood’s powerful call to arms, goes down as a small piece of rhetorical history; Thank you Brother Jah. I too would put my name forward to be part of the central committee. Most of you know me and know I was head of this Chapel for 17 years during the struggles. I never gave an inch, I never gave those bastards a stinking inch and still they took the whole mine from under us. Since then I have been a broken man, I beg you to let me have a final crack at those management bastards. With the support and direct actions of Chapter 66, we can put an end to the blatant exploitations of our members. We have been training fully qualified professionals according to the health and safety laws in the United Europe. Let us show you what we have to offer in Wales.
“Let me now introduce Joe Bartley, Father of SPLAT Chapel in Newcastle.” Ladies and gentlemen Suicide bombing is no longer the cowboy operation is has been. Over 89% of all suicide bombers have joined one of the hundreds of affiliated unions. This means that no union members are doing the bombings. And this shows in the complete failure to explode a single device in a four-device raid. Our members will not explode dangerous explosives on or near their bodies, nor will they leave the dangerous explosives in such a way as to cause damage to people of property. We will under strictly controlled conditions explode small buildings (such as sheds or green houses) in remote areas as long as all life forms have been carefully removed to safe distance from the explosion. But what ever happens SPLAT scrapes you up.
This has been one of our biggest marketing pushes and has had the greatest impact on SPLAT membership. The scraping up part had been one of the biggest problems the suicide bomber around the world had had. But SPLAT said in an open letter of communication that “We, SPLAT, would scrape you up”, member or no member. This act of open heartedness is something important in the eastern world; they are very sensitive to acts of unselfish kindness; says that in the manual “Dealing with Arabs”, and this statement made a great impact on them.
And we have kept that promise since 1987. Yes, SPLAT has been there with bucket and shovel in hand, waiting for the police to give us permission to remove the remains from the road, sidewalk, café, hospital, train, bus, plain or just the morgue. We get what ever we can scraped up and given the right kind of dumping into the right kind of bucket or bag. And we plan to keep our word in the future too. Thanks to you, thanks to all of you my brothers and my sisters for coming here tonight; it means a lot to those on the front line.
We will now have a short break for some beer or tea at the bar, Harry has opened the bar this evening and we are being sponsored by John Stone at the Old Stag so the beer is on at £1,50 tonight, thanks John, much appreciated.
I luv these things, it’s just like it was back then when we had the fight in us. We could blow up small buildings, we could, and we have the experience to deal with high explosives. I even heard there could be bumping into people, which is bad. This is not a gender question. No body said it was until you said what about the gender question, 90% of all SB’s are men. I’m just saying that women should not be seen as just virgins. I am so sick of that stereotyping. Lets move on from the 13th century please.
Mingle
“Hi I’m Jah Woods I just like to thank you for coming out tonight and if you are a voting member I like to shake your hand for the support I feel here tonight for Chapter 66 and our chance to make the difference, give the hand up, the leg up, the push up give the love brother give the love.
I suppose some concession would have to be made we could some form of comprises on everyone’s part if the whole “War on Terror” things is the way to go away. And endless WAR with no real enemies but a few lunatics, who can’t keep that shit going for ever, but fucks it up this the second time they try and do it. Give and take Sir, that’s’ what keeps the old world spinning around.
70 virgins, what on earth is one sad lillte sack of shit of man going to do with 70 virgins? My advice, don’t go there. Skip the virgin all together and go for the real person. Someone you could share things with, like time and wisdom and love and peace and conflict and creativity and imagination. Ask for one of them and leave the bombs in the safe disposal container to the left of you seats. We’ll get ride of the shit properly and safely. Chapter 66 more than just a pain in the arses of the conservative religious lunatics, that want death and destruction, served just at the right temperature, cooking. Chapter 66 is a short story in a small collection of stories about death and fear. I wrote them together with my beloved wife two months or so before I died. I did this to be sure that we remember the story is what you make of it or what it makes of you. The chance is no the choice is yours. That what’s Chapter 66 Jah Woods is putting in this Revolution.
The War on Error can only be won by a powerful a weapon of the mass utopian dream, Love and Humor, isn’t that a lobster, that’s being dyslexic. Love and Fun, looks too short, not serious enough, but I promise you he most powerful tool against
Idiots and Lies, we always said we always have the choice to tell the truth. The telling of the truth is something that is not random.
But then you must know the truth to tell it. What is true is the truth as I perceived it to be now, I will give you Love from my heart as long as there is love in the well and my truth as long as I live by it, so I can know it, so I can see it and follow it. For only then shall I know my home, my function, my rest, my motherhood, and my walk into the valley of my garden from the mountains of my mind.
The End.
In August of 2001 AD, the Welsh affiliation to SPLAT was the last of the Unions to officially join the Al Quadra organization, but the Welsh affiliation had all the potential to grow into a major force within the organization. SPLAT was no longer some fringe radical group out on the cutting edge of legal rights. SPLAT’s mission statement was to organize labor and to help enforce all “health and safety standards at work”, plus enforce the EU regulations, at all places of work, all over the United Europe. SPLAT had become an affiliated Union, with members and Chapels coming from all over the face of the planet. After the first few years of ridicule, which were now firmly behind them, something that all the members and affiliations did not wish to remember, they had become an important link between the man on the work floor and the upper colons of power.
So there was a concern that a Welsh affiliation might cause a certain amount of satire from the press and other stand up comics. A few Internet clowns made up some exploding sheep jokes, but few caught the imagination long enough for them to stick. So after three months the first training program was set up in an old miners union hall. There were plenty of chairs and quite a few people came along to listen to what was being done about the getting a Union going that had not already sold it’s soul to the management for a few more baked beans and a couple of streaky bacon. Bastards.
SPLAT had a clear and open policy of conflict at and in the workplace. It would not put up with dangerous conditions at the work place. It would require new negations for all members and a total redefinition of job description and improved employment conditions for members and not just their families. There would be flying inspections and proper procedure would be followed while handling explosives at all times.
No explosives were to detonate “on” or “even near” any member of SPLAT. In fact no explosions were to occur unless regulated by the united European convention of 2001, which clearly states explosions causing any bodily harm with explosives is completely out of the question.
If all of these demands are not met by management then there will be a general strike, pulling all members from operative duty immediately, until such time as management deems it fit to talk with the voice of respect to its employees.
This was the message of no compromise that roused the crowd; they stood up and banged chairs against floors, hands against tables and boots against the back of table legs. “ Are you with us brothers, are you there on the picket lines, are you ready for the years of fighting, are you there to fight to the last man”
“Aye” came the cry back from the crowd of tormented union souls, “Aye we’ll be there freezing in the winter and fainting in the baking summer sun, Aye we’ll be by you side till the last man falls”. This time we win. This time we’ll show those management Bastards.
“You all remember her don’t you”, a deathly silence fell over the hall. Her. “She brethren, the beast. The crowd turned and looked upon the black suited man in dark glasses and a mince-pie hat. He had the look of the road on him; his eyes had seen way too much night time driving.
“Let me introduce myself to you here tonight, Izzie Elijah Wood, most people called me Jah Wood, I was part of the team that negotiated with Coal Industries management from 1975 to 1982. In fact I was not just part of the team, I was in charge of ideology. I saw HER and management ravage us like helpless sheep before a hungry flock of wolves. I saw her ripe the guts out of the union, and spit it back into our faces; without even flinching, not one perfect curl on her sweet suckled Maidenly head moved out of place. I saw into the eyes of the beast, into the jaws that could swallow the sun whole if she pleased. She has passed in the House of Lords and Ladies but still “She” is there waiting to be turned lose one last time brothers, She is there. Waiting.
“Let me tell you why it is I am here today; I offer you my humble services to serve on your committees to help serve the cause and the tea. I shall do my up most to make Chapter 66 of the Welsh SPLAT Union affiliations the most militant and unforgiving nightmares for Blair, Bush, and Bin Laden that they will have wished they never held the word “crude oil”. The War on terror my friends, my brothers in arms, has just begun. We are the face of this war; we are the people who will put dignity back into the arms of the workingman.
Let us not turn away in shame when we see our reflection in those expensive wide screen televisions, but let us walk proudly past those shops, for the people that work in London, but use our houses for weekend retreats. Brothers and sisters, I see you ladies out there tonight, not just as ladies, ex-virgins, but I see you there, standing side by side with your men, once again ready to fight to the last of the best.
“I would be so proud to be part of the Chapter 66 movement, as Jah Wood’s powerful call to arms, goes down as a small piece of rhetorical history; Thank you Brother Jah. I too would put my name forward to be part of the central committee. Most of you know me and know I was head of this Chapel for 17 years during the struggles. I never gave an inch, I never gave those bastards a stinking inch and still they took the whole mine from under us. Since then I have been a broken man, I beg you to let me have a final crack at those management bastards. With the support and direct actions of Chapter 66, we can put an end to the blatant exploitations of our members. We have been training fully qualified professionals according to the health and safety laws in the United Europe. Let us show you what we have to offer in Wales.
“Let me now introduce Joe Bartley, Father of SPLAT Chapel in Newcastle.” Ladies and gentlemen Suicide bombing is no longer the cowboy operation is has been. Over 89% of all suicide bombers have joined one of the hundreds of affiliated unions. This means that no union members are doing the bombings. And this shows in the complete failure to explode a single device in a four-device raid. Our members will not explode dangerous explosives on or near their bodies, nor will they leave the dangerous explosives in such a way as to cause damage to people of property. We will under strictly controlled conditions explode small buildings (such as sheds or green houses) in remote areas as long as all life forms have been carefully removed to safe distance from the explosion. But what ever happens SPLAT scrapes you up.
This has been one of our biggest marketing pushes and has had the greatest impact on SPLAT membership. The scraping up part had been one of the biggest problems the suicide bomber around the world had had. But SPLAT said in an open letter of communication that “We, SPLAT, would scrape you up”, member or no member. This act of open heartedness is something important in the eastern world; they are very sensitive to acts of unselfish kindness; says that in the manual “Dealing with Arabs”, and this statement made a great impact on them.
And we have kept that promise since 1987. Yes, SPLAT has been there with bucket and shovel in hand, waiting for the police to give us permission to remove the remains from the road, sidewalk, café, hospital, train, bus, plain or just the morgue. We get what ever we can scraped up and given the right kind of dumping into the right kind of bucket or bag. And we plan to keep our word in the future too. Thanks to you, thanks to all of you my brothers and my sisters for coming here tonight; it means a lot to those on the front line.
We will now have a short break for some beer or tea at the bar, Harry has opened the bar this evening and we are being sponsored by John Stone at the Old Stag so the beer is on at £1,50 tonight, thanks John, much appreciated.
I luv these things, it’s just like it was back then when we had the fight in us. We could blow up small buildings, we could, and we have the experience to deal with high explosives. I even heard there could be bumping into people, which is bad. This is not a gender question. No body said it was until you said what about the gender question, 90% of all SB’s are men. I’m just saying that women should not be seen as just virgins. I am so sick of that stereotyping. Lets move on from the 13th century please.
Mingle
“Hi I’m Jah Woods I just like to thank you for coming out tonight and if you are a voting member I like to shake your hand for the support I feel here tonight for Chapter 66 and our chance to make the difference, give the hand up, the leg up, the push up give the love brother give the love.
I suppose some concession would have to be made we could some form of comprises on everyone’s part if the whole “War on Terror” things is the way to go away. And endless WAR with no real enemies but a few lunatics, who can’t keep that shit going for ever, but fucks it up this the second time they try and do it. Give and take Sir, that’s’ what keeps the old world spinning around.
70 virgins, what on earth is one sad lillte sack of shit of man going to do with 70 virgins? My advice, don’t go there. Skip the virgin all together and go for the real person. Someone you could share things with, like time and wisdom and love and peace and conflict and creativity and imagination. Ask for one of them and leave the bombs in the safe disposal container to the left of you seats. We’ll get ride of the shit properly and safely. Chapter 66 more than just a pain in the arses of the conservative religious lunatics, that want death and destruction, served just at the right temperature, cooking. Chapter 66 is a short story in a small collection of stories about death and fear. I wrote them together with my beloved wife two months or so before I died. I did this to be sure that we remember the story is what you make of it or what it makes of you. The chance is no the choice is yours. That what’s Chapter 66 Jah Woods is putting in this Revolution.
The War on Error can only be won by a powerful a weapon of the mass utopian dream, Love and Humor, isn’t that a lobster, that’s being dyslexic. Love and Fun, looks too short, not serious enough, but I promise you he most powerful tool against
Idiots and Lies, we always said we always have the choice to tell the truth. The telling of the truth is something that is not random.
But then you must know the truth to tell it. What is true is the truth as I perceived it to be now, I will give you Love from my heart as long as there is love in the well and my truth as long as I live by it, so I can know it, so I can see it and follow it. For only then shall I know my home, my function, my rest, my motherhood, and my walk into the valley of my garden from the mountains of my mind.
The End.
posted by rob at 4:44 AM
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